i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
