Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
