I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
