she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
