made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
do nipples grow back?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
