Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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