Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just pee around me
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
