She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
