What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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