was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
