Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Vodka?
Forever.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
