I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
