All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
