Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
