Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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