I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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