So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
