so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
