Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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