Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
