Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
