what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
