My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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