Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
