so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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