Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
