party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
