I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Randomize
