Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
