I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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