Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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