Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Can you bring me the toilet please
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
