The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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