That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
