He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
