I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
