I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
