guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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