I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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