Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm getting married
To pizza
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
