Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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