He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
