OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
