My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
