I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
