Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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