Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
