Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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