So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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