just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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